#want love never deserved it whateverrrr

[femmefaggot]

"you know what happens to little girls who can't play nice don't you? they get punished" okay well if this isnt me then why is it exactly the things said to me taunting rose with shit that is clearly personal now that im thinking about it a video mentioned that but i forgot

edit later: "poor rose she cant believe anyone" "no one loves you and when youre dead no one will care" okayy yeah well

"i came first" "why does she only want you" haha yeah

also the "look at you you're beyond worthless" "seriously what is your problem?" can i show you can i show you

"youre just so greedy" "

can we stop this actually hey. aware its me taunting rose but its also everything ever implanted in the brain cant ask for anything without it being selfish

anyway "i have been such a good girl" both trying to cope and what do you do being trained to kill and or take things over when you follow orders. thats being good. what suddenly when people that wanted autonomy are infected it matters? its bad when the people that try and keep you closest are kept even closer? youre contradictory.

crying on the ground "i cant believe how useless i am. no wonder no one loves me" derisive rose "what now" and then not being able to do anything but lash out. can we. come on.

[tacticalhimbo]

i knew u were gonna serve me gta LMAO so i am also doing the same for u 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻

SAME BRAIN [send me a fandom] imma answer for 5 mostly bc i remember more about it than 4 but just know i have my thots and thoughts(tm) there too—

The first character I first fell in love with: oh man oh man.. it was davey. not even gonna lie. i was respectfully looking at the big three (michael, trev, franklin), but like. i dunno! i saw davey and was like yeah 😌💕 fdjasklfjaslfjsdf

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: haines. i just. i wanna put him in a test tube and shake him and then pour him onto a slide and study him under a microscope. what is his deal. i must know. i hate everything he embodies and he gives me the ick but also... 👀

The character everyone else loves that I don’t: ... lazlow. i'm sorry i just. cannot. find it in me. JFLKAJDSFLASJF. i see the appeal!! he's just a guy!! pathetic man! hell i love his comments with mikey in the tattoo shop calling him papa bear (bc same, honestly) but i still get too much ick from him.

The character I love that everyone else hates: hmmm... ngl i don't see a lot of content for her so i can't say if people really hate her. but tracey. i love tracey. if tracey de santa has no fans i am dead. she's spoiled and rich and yada yada but man... her idle dialog makes me so sad she deserves the love and care she is clearly not getting from her family.

The character I used to love but don’t any longer: i can't think of an answer for this either! i still love brucie (again, he only shows up in online but whateverrrr) but not? as much? i'm actually normal about him. he's just a guy to me. so.

The character I would totally smooch: lamar... ☺️☺️☺️ i love him too okay he's the character ever. he has his problems but that is literally the entire cast. there is not one healthy motherfucker in the entirety of san andreas

The character I’d want to be like: hmmmmm... again, not one healthy motherfucker in the entirety of san andreas but if i had to pick one... gay tony. yea yea he only shows up in online whatever ok he is living his best life owning the pc's nightclub like he escaped everything from liberty city and is still in contact with his son (re: luis, who is not his actual son but may as well be) and spends his time browsing himplants enhancing surgery and fucking it up on the dance floor. as he should.

The character I’d slap: jimmy (affectionate). he's the younger brother i'm sorry as an older brother i am legally obligated. serious answer is dr. friedlander. fuck dr. friedlander all my homies hate dr. friedlander.

A pairing that I love: imma be real i don't look at many gta ships so i can't say i really love any of them if i don't know them. i see the appeal of trikey so i'll say that one-

A pairing that I despise: controversial take... michael and amanda. yes i know they are legally married. yes i know they "work things out" in the end bc they are both bad(tm) for one another. but my brother in christ if i were her and my husband threatened to kill me in front of my children during a therapy session... i'm sorry i'm going to our witsec contacts and telling them we need an OUT. i have so many gripes with friedlander in general (and yes yes i know satire; i will still complain about it as it's a big plot point in the central story) but letting that slide... OUGHHHHH.

[takecareluv]

MEG MY SWEET

how are you doing?? i know you’re tired, but i just want to tell you i’m proud of you🫶🏻 you work so so hard and deserve all the rest and self-care & pampering in this world !!

tell me some of the highlights from your week. they could be the most boring thing ever, but i still wanna know🤍

sending you allllll my love and an armful of hugs, darling🫶🏻✨🥺💕

okay i didn’t even realize this has been sitting in my drafts for weeks now ?? but i miss my livie girl so much <3 hope she’s okay.

HI LIVIE <3

i’m doing okay ! this weekend was definitely nice and relaxing but i’m still feeling overwhelmed . i know i’m going to go to work tomorrow and go right back to feeling the same way i was last week & the week before && before… drained. i feel trapped in this cycle and have absolutely no motivation to do anything to free myself from it, honestly i don’t even know where i would begin to. i miss writing , i miss reading , i miss doing the little things that bring me joy , i miss doing anything other than working or sleeping , i miss being fully present on here , i miss feeling anything other than exhaustion. and i feel so weird because nothing is wrong but everything is at the same time. i don’t know. i just need a break. i need something to change , in me & around me.

anyway,,,, since i was gone for most of the week i’ll give a little recap because i have had some good moments over the last few days… and maybe a few bad ones…

the biggest highlight of my week was going to see noah cyrus in concert ! i had no idea about it until last week when my friend texted me about having an extra ticket & of course i said yes !! i’m so happy i got to go to it. first — i love love love her new album so being able to see her perform it live is just the best thing ever ! plus i just love going to any concert in general , the energy is unmatched <3 and second — i’ve never been to a show in a small venue like that ( it was a brooklyn steel ) ( exactly a week after jack was there like are u kidding ) & with general admission tickets . we got so close to the stage ( basically barricade !! ) , which i’ve also never been that close , so all in all it was an incredible experience ! i literally made eye contact with her so many times and she even tipped her cowboy hat at me && smiled like AHHH fangirling hard !!!! hehe

LIKE I TOOK THIS WHATTT

although it was a great show and such an amazing experience, the day as a whole was so stressful. and honestly just made up for a completely shitty week :/ i had to go straight from work and almost missed the train , i literally pulled up to the station as the train got there and had to sprint to find my friend . and bc it was all so rushed && i hadn’t been to the city in quite some time my anxiety was at such a high and i couldnt calm myself down until we were finally at the venue and waiting in line ( for three hours omg it was so cold did not go prepared ) BUT we did meet some amazing ppl who were also all at the vma’s and one of them had this video of jack & her from the red carpet that i literally saw online i was like GIRL THAT WAS U small world anywayyyy

…………

okay now i’m looking back at this weeks later and i don’t really remember the rest of what i was gonna say but whateverrrr probably wasn’t important anyway & just me complaining about the rest of my week 🙃 I MISS U LIV PLS COME BACK I LOVE U

[sleepingclimb]

🔥yowapeda characters

tbh once again i have a lot of really unpopular and super specific headcanons and opinions for/on specific characters but i can literally go on for HOURS about that.. i will also get super mad over mischaracterizations n gross shit but... overall i don't think my opinions are THAT unpopular aside from the fact that i like literally everyone so much... my least fav is onoda maybe and i still really like him especially early on when he's a super scared baby bear w no pals ahaha, i think it's really really cute and heartwarming? all of the characters r so endearing too they all make me so happy even the "mean/bad" dudez like midousuji and machimiya make me soft as fuck... midousujis past makes me really teary and not because it's like an excuse for the things he does but because it EXPLAINS why he does he things he does.. and machimiyas spare bike😭😭 oh my god i really really luv machimiya he's one of my favs same with ibitani they're such good baby bears imo even if they're kinda lil thotties... i think some characters are less liked by me because of the way the fandom interprets and portrays them/just what kind of fans they have?(people who call onoda a shota/shota fans who r into onoda..)(people who erase literally every aspect of makishimas character just to hyperfeminize him and make him 'uwu' or w/e)(people who forget how smart and tricky toudou is and only characterize him as super childish) but honestly no character will ever be ruined for me by association,, when i see people mischaracterizing the ywpd characters i love so much i only get SUPER MAD like "wtf! makishima has worked so hard to overcome so many challenges including ______ and how ____ n he's so ______ and deserves better!!" and idk i just kind of rant on in my head about how all the characters are so GOOD and don't deserve to be simplified, because they are ALL SO DYNAMIC AND COMPLEX i only get trendiness of how much i love them and want 2 protect them and keep them safe and warm whenever i see something that makes me angry.. i am like a mama bear lol, also ywpd is my longest standing hyperfocus and the biggest comfort in the world to me and i will literally never be able to associate it with anyone or let someone ruin it for me because it's something i got into by myself and it's something that's encouraged and helped me get out of the worst/lowest low in my life? idk i don't mean 2 be cheesy but it's saved my life n also completely turned it around i love it so so so much everything is good and the way it is today because of how much i love yowapeda/how much it encourages me!!! i know that's super silly or w/e but i never want to give up and i'm just striving to be my best self because of it.. i can talk for MONTHS about it because it is the greatest thing everrrrrrr and i'm so so so passionate about it!!! and the best thing is literally nobody can ruin it for me especially becaus nobody irl even knows i like it!! (i kind of have 2 keep my interests hidden/in embarrassed about liking this show bc it's an anime or whateverrrr idk i'm 'high school popular' kind of so i feel that my friends would think it's weird? i live in a small town n that's just how my friends and the people who live here are!) so idk it's just super secret and it feels entirely mine and i can just get lost in ittttt... it's so awesome and like lol whenever i need to study for a test or do something i don't want to do i'll just think like "what would fukutomi want me to do.." or whatever LOL yeah basically they r all heckin awesome and my best babes that i can talk about forever because i have created super specific intricate headcanons based on all the info available n analysis so i'm SUPER proud of them cuz i have solid evidence for almost all of them and yaaa idk they all motivate me and i think about them all the time they're the best characters ever and i've gotten sidetracked like 1000 times writing this but U KNOWWWW basically luv them all?? if that is even an unpopular opinion hoollllyyyyy i lost that point completely somewhere within here ahaha

[imagination-nation-queen]

Honestly I couldn’t agree more, but let’s say that Marinette does this because of her nervousness around Adrien or her habit of idolizing him (which I was hoping she was over but whateverrrr), I want her to be called out on this at some point. I don’t like how, to compliment Adrien, she puts Chat down. She needs to get ahold of herself and stop being blinded by Adrien to see that she has a wonderful and loyal partner already who would never say a bad thing about her. I mean, it’s ok that she doesn’t like Chat Noir in a romantic way, but he still deserves respect after all he does for her. I would love it if she gets called out by Chat himself when he finally snaps and confronts her about being overlooked, cast to the side, and put down juys for Marinette own selfish interests. I need them to go through a fight or something because Marinette needs to see how important Chat really is.

this episode annoyed me

not only because the english dub will forever remain super bad and cringy especially with those damn rhymes or because of how they spent the whole episode trying to keep their identities secret only for the stupid decision to use “in the daytime im marinette” at the beginning of the song, but because of what the episode did

the whole episode it exemplifies how much of a great team ladybug and chat noir make and how awesome they work together and how in sync they are. they’re partners and equals and respect each other

until marinette at the end said chat noir is lame compared to adrien, and shot her partner down while adrien complimented her. it’s like… it’s bad writing. you can’t have an episode where marinette works so well with her partner and jokes with him and then acts like she doesn’t even like him come the end of it. granted, she was trying not to reveal herself to adrien and she gets nervous around him, but still, it’s like… why? you could have had marinette say something along the lines of “chat noir is great but you’re better, adrien” or “chat noir is pretty awesome but you’re even more, adrien” just so she’s not making it out to seem like she doesn’t like chat lmao 

especially after we just had an episode where adrien felt like he wasn’t special enough to continue to help ladybug and his self confidence has been dangerously low. i mean, adrien didn’t shoot ladybug down while talking to marinette about her, and even gave marinette a compliment. why couldn’t that have gone both ways?

i get it. there’s no continuity (no matter how stupid of a fuckin decision that is) and it’s a kid’s show. it’s not something to get so deep about or something i should have high expectations for

but this is my blog and my opinion, so, that’s how i feel anyway. i just woke up so my thoughts are pretty incoherent but idk. i was just a little annoyed at this episode. it was cute overall, but… you know

[therecoveringcatho-holic]

mannn.. life is just getting so much better!!! i just have to share where i'm at y'all bc ive been pretty excited about who i'm becoming bc i'm actively working on my spirit and who i am thru Christ.

first off - i'm fortunate for past, current and future *pain* bc it's brought me many blessings and will continue to bring me more.. just watch. it's just all about perspective and mines slowly but surely turning around! 💕 pain is a blessing bc without it we wouldn't know joy & we wouldn't be able to help others with similar problems!! i def struggle with my own share of health issues, a lot more at 31 than i ever wanted to have but i gotta be realistic about it: i treated my mind, body and spirit like a trash can off and on for the better part of a decade, i have trauma that i wouldn't dive into - like for real, for real - until 2 years ago or so bc i kept wanting to mask it. all that did was make it fester and then i projected it on others so what should i expect you know?? i used to complain constantly that 'life is not fair' and until very recently, i couldn't turn that around in my head and look at it positively .. like I AM ACTUALLY GLAD it's not bc if it was fair then i should have died yearssss ago.. one way or another esp if you look at it from a scientific standpoint. i may not know what my purpose is in life y'all but it's not my job to figure that out, it's my job to trust The Lord and His plan for me even if it doesn't always make sense to me. He is a God beyond my understanding and letting Him run the show makes life a lot better. we're not meant to have it easy but we weren't designed to make it so hard on ourselves or others either. He provides us the tools, it's just a matter of if we choose to use them or not. we all struggle so let's help each other out but the right thing is usually not the easy one so be proud of yourself when you make good decisions, no matter how small. the small things become big things; choices become habits -- that can be good or bad so make it a good thing 😘

one main problem i've always struggled with is consistency, esp when it comes to obeying The Lord. i am finally aware that my behavior does NOT affect Gods love for me bc He's an unconditional, loving God but my behavior dictates how much easier or harder life becomes for me.. and it's a daily thing y'all but it is for a lot of people, not just me. i just know that when i impulsively react to somebody or something, my

m o u t h is the first to go 😬😏SOOOO now im pretty good at waiting it out and if i think the same thing 2 mins later or so, you bet i'm gonna say it bc i'm blunt like that and i don't care to sugarcoat my thoughts BUT i also don't have to be hateful/disrespectful about it.. so that's been a turn around, for sure! 🙏 most people have a filter and i seem to lack one so i'm trying to develop one.. haha, it's funny but it's not at the same time.. actually it's been quite debilitating, really. my impulsivity and my mouth have burnt a lot of bridges in my life. not everybody or everything deserves a reaction and i don't need to waste my energy on things that arent my business -- and huge surprise here guys -- there is a LOT of stuff that is not my business so i take my nose out of it now 😜. i thrived off the drama and chaos for so long bc i didn't wanna look inward at myself and work on what was actually wrong -- which was me and my spirit. i am blessed for awareness and personal perspective.. it is everything.

ive been going back to AA and someone mentioned that theyve been praying for people that they have issues with, don't like or whatever the case may be and it's been helping them change their reaction/perspective towards that individual. at the end of the day, people are gonna do what they're gonna do but the way i choose to respond to it says everything about me, not them. that's why i love "The Four Agreements" book so much -- seriously life changing bc it's helped me realized that like i had so much displaced anger for so long and made it about everybody else and "what they did to me" , how "i'm not like everybody else", "why do they have a career / family / house and i don't?" WHATEVERRRR blah blah blah 😑 when at the end of the day, it had nothing to do with them. i was unhappy with myself, pissed that i got "cursed" with alcoholism and depression, sleep issues, etc. so instead of looking at it my difficulties as strengths and blessings, i had my own definition of what successful, happy people looked like or what they had and i was straight up mad and jealous of y'all. like how dare y'all have it so easy, right?! 🙄 omg hahaha how delusional is that!!! NOBODY has it easy!!! we all have something man and just because others may not see it doesn't mean it's not there!!!

"be kind.. for we are all fighting a battle others know nothing about." amen!!

my life has turned out to be nothinggggg of what i thought it was gonna be .. and i'm at a place of acceptance about it now and what a blessing it is to feel at peace more often than not. i think the real definition of serenity is when you stop wishing you had a different past and appreciate what God trusted you to go thru bc He knew Y O U could handle it 🥰

my alcoholism has about damn killed me but i'm resilient and ive been able to help others who battle my demon too; my depression has helped me understand deep sadness and how not running away or being scared of somebody bc of that can really change another persons life for the better.. one conversation can literally save somebody's life so don't underestimate what it means when someone disabled from depresssion reaches out to you bc you could be a life changer to them, i know this from experience. sleep issues suck but i've had a lot of deep, thought provoking conversations at 3a, ill tell ya that! but lately i sleep better bc i'm getting the garbage out of my soul and giving myself some grace. i'm blessed to not hold on to people who left me during my darkest hour bc they weren't meant to see me grow and to take part in my joy now.. it's all how you look at it!! i tried holding on to soooo many people for so long and now i just feel free of that negativity .. and i'm sure some people feel the same about me these last few years.. i was very toxic to some people so they were right to let me go as well. there's always two sides to everything y'all -- like be blessed for those who have let you down!! now you have room for people who are loyal and worth your damn time!! but as i just mentioned, i had to look in the mirror though and humble myself bc at one point or another, i was "that person" on more than one occasion that let somebody down and perspective on that is key to moving forward and not hurting somebody like that again. hurt people hurt people and i was the queen of that. when i get what i feel is a proper amount of time under my belt, i have so many amends to make that its quite.. sick, really. in the 5 years i've been in and out of AA, ive only been told to F off and/or burn in hell twice after trying to make an amends so that's better than i deserve lol most have been receptive of my amends but this will be the second round for some of those same people and i don't expect the same forgiveness i got the first time bc i don't deserve it. i'll also be frank with you .. some people i don't want to make amends to bc i don't feel they deserve it so clearly i still have work to do on my heart and hopefully thru the program and in time, i will feel differently but right now that's honestly how i feel.

to sum it all up, here are some things that help me:

-if you have to hide it, don't do it. -chaos always proceeds change.

-people will treat you with as much respect as you show yourself (thank you Lord for helping me with this one!!)

-validation may come from other people but that's just temporary. if you ain't happy in YOUR heart, with who YOU are.. check your morals and standards my dear! it doesn't matter if the entire world thinks you're great -- you need to KNOW & BELIEVE you are and that begins with the belief system you set for yourself!

- the saying "one foot in front of the other" goes a long way.. act blessed and you'll become blessed; no matter how stupid it sounds in your head, talk kindly to yourself until you believe it -- affirmations work, i swear!!! most importantly, show others grace so you'll eventually show yourself some 💕

i am a sinner but i am not my mistakes. my alcoholic demon is strong but God is stronger.. and thru Him, so am i. without my community from TN to NC to GA, my friends, my family of choice, my medical team and The Lord God, id be an empty shell of a person still at the bottom of a bottle at all hours of the day wanting to die every second i was breathing.. yes, it got that bad more times than i can count so THANK YOU to everyone who has given a shit about me and this crazy life i've had!!! once i realized that roughly 10% of my life is whats happened to me and came to accept that 90% of my life were problems that i created myself, was when i was able to become grateful for all the problems i DONT have & blessed that although some bridges are forever burned, there are many that are not!!! if i continue to act right, i have beautiful opportunities to improve myself and my relationships, the most important one being with God.

i know ive got some haters but i don't view them as enemies anymore bc i don't like harboring anger in my heart anymore .. it doesn't feel good and it only speaks to my own personal insecurity when i've talked poorly of somebody in the past. ive never quoted tupac in my life but there's a first time for everything 🤣 "i want you to eat, just not at my table." to the people i don't like and to those that don't like me, let's pray for each other. everybody deserves happiness and to thrive in their own way.. i'm not gonna be apart of some people's lives and BOTH of us are better because of it! God, i loveeee acceptance!!!! 🙌

above all.. do & be YOU, boo boo!

if it matters any, i think you're pretty great! 😋😙

as alwaysss, much love from knox & prayers to friends in mid tenn!! hope everyone is safe!! 🙏

xoxo

kels

[makingausernameisthehardest-blog]

I'm going to start from the beginning beginning when we first met in high school up to now. We met at my High school dance my sophomore year of high school. I was friends with people she was friends with and I also knew her bitch friends that she hung out with. At the end of the dance we were all talking and I was loving the attention because she was feeling on my biceps. I was like ayee I got this bad chick feeling my muscles lol. Afterward we all went to Wendy's where her two bitch friends were at the side crying about guys while she was chilling at the table with me and my friends. It was fun. She was cute but my good friend said he was going to try and talk to her so of course I backed off. But he never actually pursued anything with her. We would occasionally talk on Facebook just being silly and being curly hair buddies. I thought she was cute but still never even really tried to talk to her. Idk why I just didn't. We didn't talk much for a while but we were cool. We started getting close because we started talking through Facebook messenger. We started to actually get to know each other and really become friends. She had nobody to go comic con with so I told her to hangout with me and my family. So we all went to comic con and had a really fun time. I thought she looked really good. As in her cosplay and very attractive. At that point we had started talking regularly and had become close friends. At one point we even went ice skating it was so much fun, then she introduced me to five guys and it happened to be really good. My timeline is a bit off but it's okay. I remember when I was working at Best Buy she came to visit me once. It was cause her friend thought she could get a PS4 on the release date LOL. But it was really nice that she came to visit me. It made me happy. What was funny was that my other best friend came to visit me that day too. It was so funny. I found it crazy how she came to visit me and my girlfriend never actually did. Then she went to a career fair at her school and applied to bed bath and beyond. She knew I was going to my school and told me I should apply so we could together and I thought that was a great idea. I'd get to work with my best friend. We both got the job and started training together. Everyday of training I would go to her house and we'd just chill. I was going through one of my breakups and was pretty emotional about it and she was there for me the entire time. She was the only person I had I could really talk to and be honest about how I was feeling. She would talk to me about her past relationship as well. I felt myself having feelings for her but I never tried anything even though it was the perfect opportunity to. I was at her house giving her a back massage with her family upstairs. But not only did I not try anything because I was hung up on my ex but also cause I'm super pussy when it comes to trying anything. lol. After that we started working at bed bath and for some reason I started becoming and worse and worse friend to her. I pretty much put her on the back burner when she was my best friend. The person who had been there for me all this time and the one who actually is the reason for me getting the job. I still feel incredibly bad and guilty for that when I think about it. It's something else I try to push to the back of my mind. She would call me and I wouldn't pick up and she would text and I would forget to respond. I wouldn't hit her up or anything. I was terrible person to her and she still called me her best friend. I didn't deserve that title but she still gave it to me anyway. I considered her my best friend as well but I sure as hell didn't act like it. I don't know why I did it part of me believes it was cause I needed to distance myself from her because of my feelings for her. I found her amazing, a great person, and absolutely beautiful. Whenever we would go out and drink i would be all over her. I wanted to be all over her. I would always hug and and sit on her and everything. I wanted to kiss her but I never did. Because I was in a relationship but I would've been too pussy to do anything anyway. That was part of why I distanced myself. I don't know what the other reasoning was. I just wasn't being a good friend or a good person to her. I still could've at least texted her. Then she became friends with a guy who I was friends with in high school, his name is Jose. I knew him as an asshole but I was cool with him. The last thing I wanted for her was to get involved with him but it happened anyway. He was treating her good and spoiling her at first so I was supportive of the relationship because he was making her happy but then it flipped. He turned into a completely asshole who emotionally abused her. She ended up moving him with him because of something that happened at home with her family. After that he took everything from her. Her life, her happiness, and even tried to take her friends. I would always tell her to break up with him but she was stuck with him. If she broke up with him she'd be homeless. I offered her a place to stay but she didn't want to be a burden to me. Whenever something happened I tried to be there for her. It hurt me a lot to see someone I care about so much going through that. I wanted to do more but I couldn't. One day he kicked her out and said things that should never be said to anyone. As soon as she contacted me I started moving as fast as I could to get to her I know she needed me. I texted our friend jess saying she needed us and jess came as fast as she could as well. That was a period of time me her and jess were hanging out a lot. All the time. That night I had her spend the night with me. I couldn't let her go back to that house. Her boyfriend thought she cheated on him with me but nothing happened that night. We just talked and played video games. It was a fun night. But the next day she went back to the house. I was so upset. I don't think I'd ever been that mad with her. I didn't want her to back. I wanted her to stay with me because I knew everything he put her through. After that happened we stopped talking as much. I wish I hadn't done that. She needed me still. What made me really distance myself was a day we were suppose to hangout and she canceled telling me that we couldn't hangout alone together because of Jose. I was incredibly hurt and angry. She put him before me and I felt like I deserved to be put ahead of him because of what he did to her but that was also selfish of me. I didn't realize the position she had been put in and put my feelings of being hurt in front of what she was going through and distanced myself. We stopped talking and I didn't see her for a long time. I fucked up as a best friend. I wasn't there for her during that time when she really needed me. I finally saw her again and realized how much I missed her. One of the first things I told her was that her boobs got bigger lmao. She told me it was cause she got fat but I still thought she was as beautiful as ever. Just like before I was all over her that night. We started talking again but still not as much as before. Fast forward to when me and my ex finally broke up for the last time. We were hanging out all the time and my feelings for her started getting stronger and stronger and I found myself getting attached to her. One night we talked a little bit about kissing. The next day we were drinking with jess and when jess went to the bathroom we looked at each other and she kissed me first. I was gunna do it but I was still kind of pussy. We made out a lot that day. It was great I had wanted to kiss her for so long and it finally happened. We didn't get into a relationship right away because I was still getting over my ex. But even before we were in a relationship she made me happier than my ex ever did, she spoiled me more, and did more for me as well. Even before we were in a relationship it was already so much better than my last. On July 3rd I felt like I was over my ex completely and wanted to officially be in a relationship with Ali. We would go out all the time it was so much fun I was so happy with her. But not long after I did something incredibly stupid. I was in Atlantic City with family having a great time with I get a text from my best friend nick asking if I was okay because of what Jonathan posted. I didn't know what he was talking about so I went on ig and saw a pic of my ex kissing Ali's ex on the head. I got very upset for more reason then one. I realized I still had feelings for her and because she knows what Ali went through with him but went after him anyway. The biggest mistake I made was contacting her without talking to Ali first. I was upset and let me emotions take over at this point. When we spoke Tati made me feel like shit. Telling me how I hurt her and making it seem like everything happened was my fault and I fucking believed her when I know that isn't true. She flipped everything and made me feel like that bad guy. Manipulating me into thinking I was wrong for moving on with Ali. Making it seem like I cheated on her or something. I told Ali about most of that conversation but not everything. It might have been that night or the next morning. I don't remember but I was feeling like shit about myself and guilty over things I shouldn't be and I texted her something very stupid. I told her I was sorry and I regretted my relationship with Ali when I know that wasn't true. It went against everything I said to her before when I said Ali makes me happy. I never told Ali about that conversation and it blew up in my face but I'll get into that later. I came back from Atlantic City stressed more than ever because of all the shit that happened. Me and Ali were still together and continued going out and creating amazing memories. I knew I loved her but I was scared to say it too soon but one day at night in Central Park she got my to say it. Technically speaking she said it first but whateverrrr. After saying it I just felt it getting stronger and stronger and I soon realized I was falling in love with her. I eventually told her and she told me she felt the same way back. But then I fucked up. This is the first fuck up though. I had plans with her but I was going to hangout with my friend ray first. We went to the gym and then played smash and smoked. I was suppose to see her after a short while but I kept her waiting for hours. I again was being a selfish asshole. She called me and hung up angrily and I didn't even try to call her again knowing she was angry. I got upset myself so I tried to justify my actions by saying that but I was the one who fucked up not her. After a few days she completely forgave me and things got back to the way they were. We were happy going out, her coming to my house and me going to hers. She spent the night a few times and we spent our holidays together. But recently I fucked up worse than ever. I lied to her, betrayed her, and everything I believe in. Someone was messaging her on tumblr talking shit and it seemed like it was my ex. We were 100% sure it was her. She wouldn't text her so we took it upon ourself to make contact. We both messaged her on ig so she could respond. She constantly said she didn't send it and then send a screenshot of the conversation from months ago. Instead of just telling Ali yes I send and just explained to her what happened I lied. I fucking lied. In my head I got scared about the relationship getting ruined not think about wtf I was doing by lying. Lying is much worse then the text I said. She was defending me saying she didn't believe that I sent the text and I said nothing. I let her believe that didn't send that text. I knew it was wrong and I knew I was being a piece shit but I just let keep going. In my head something was telling me it was the smart thing to do even though I knew it wasn't. She trusted me and I fucked that up. If I was in her shoes I would be incredibly hurt and have trouble believing what she would have to say after that. I completely ended my last relationship because of lying and I went and lied to the one person who never lied to me and trusted me completely. I made her feel like shit and even though she already forgave me I don't feel like I deserve it. I honestly am sorry about lying and I swear on my life that I don't do it again but that doesn't take back the fact that I lied. The fact I made her look bad. I can't do anything to take that back and it sucks. I should've came clean. I even fucking promised. I fucking promised. I take that shit seriously and went against what I even believe in. We're suppose to be able to trust each other and I broke that and it makes me feel like shit about myself. I'm at a new low right now I deserve whatever shit she were to give me right now. I have no excuses. I fucked up when I shouldn't have. I want to chance in the near future to build that trust up again and never break it. I love her with all my heart and I shouldn't hurt her. I promised never to hurt her again and I fucking did. I broke 2 promises. I won't do it again. I won't fuck up again I can't. I can't ruin this. I want my future to be with her. I want to make her happy and I want her to trust me.